Watching A Burning Sun

Deadlines.

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 15:17:51 GMT

Deadlines. Transcripts. Forty bazillion different due dates. Twelve different addresses to which I must send thirty-seven different packages.

It's just a lot. Plus I have about 7 papers to work on this weekend (I wish I was exaggerating that one). And I have to write kind of a mini-paper for my last recommender. Two definately said they'd be honored to write them for me. I hope that they comply with my request and give them back to me (I purposely didn't put the school's addresses on the envelopes.

I found serendipidously a paper that I wrote for my Jewish-American literature class. It is 15 pages (the minimum number required for a writing sample for Buffalo and the biggest cut off that I have to meet. Then I need an 8-10 page and a 10-12 page. Or I could simply edit the first one. Which is about gender. So who knows? I have to bring some options to the writing center and have them help me to correct the first paper, and then decide whether to edit it or use a different, shorter paper for Wisconsin and NYU. Really.

So there's just a lot to think about for me right now.

I try

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 04:01:31 GMT

I know that I can be difficult. I try not to ask for too much. I rarely ask for favors. I rarely ask for anything. Usually because when I do I end up getting really upset and sad and pissed off at the world and at everyone who can't lift a finger to do anything for me. At work everyone helps each other when people need coverage for shifts. Not me. The only thing that got offered to me was to give up my four hour friday night shift (which I need gone) to work the next day - which is a Saturday which would have been part of my ONLY weekend off since school started - for eight hours. I took it, because I need the Friday gone. But I just can't do it. My stomach and my classes and papers and tests and the GRE and graduate school applications and letters of recommendation. I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Can anyone just do one damn thing for me? Why can't anyone stand up? Why can't anyone offer me a little respect and kindness? Sometimes it feels like I'm so alone that I can't breathe. No one really thinks about me. No one really does anything for me. None of it is real.

I am so unhappy here. I know I can't or shouldn't graduate early but I'd give almost anything, at this moment, to just peace out and drive over to California and beg at some admissions official's door to let me in. Let me stay. Get me away from these place and these people who almost always disappoint. Why can't I find good people with whom I can surround myself? People who really care. Who would take a Friday night shift for me no questions asked because it would help me out. Who wouldn't let me stand in a room where everyone else is sitting and turn their back on me. Who would take care with my things and ask if there's anything they could do to help even if there isn't.

I want to shut myself in a cocoon of blankets and cry myself to sleep in my bed. But if I do that, then tomorrow will come faster. And I'll have to wake up and go to work and stand there and worry about everything I still haven't done- outline my Race readings. Read my French story. Read Portrait of the Artist. Write an essay for Prof. Berman. Finish my Statement of Purpose. Decide where I'm applying to Grad School. Put together packets for my recommenders. Cry. Because it never ends. I'm overwhelmed and I can't breathe and it's like everyone's getting so sick of me being so overwhelmed that when I mention it I get annoyed stares and shrugs and brushed off. Why can't I find something someone real? Someone to care that I'm sinking and I can't stop and I can't stand this anymore. It's too much.

And right now I have no one. Not a single person that I feel like I could call or go to or on whose shoulder I could cry.

Now what?

Loathing and malcontent.

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 12:41:14 GMT

Reasons why I now hate Albany and would like to leave (makes me wish I didn't have the option of graduating this semester and confuses my future...but that's besides the point).

Ahem

1. Stupidity. It seems most people here (in my classes, in the residence halls and apartments) don't have an IQ above that of a brick. It's getting a little old sitting in class with my mouth hanging open and my eyes bulging out of my head because I just heard the stupidest most inane comment ever made in front of an entire college class and directed to a professor. A person with a PhD. Seriously.

2. My things have become just THE things. So I lived here for a few months before everyone else and before school started. And so my stuff has now become the communal stuff. And that really wouldn't bother me so much except that certain people seem to lack any respect for my things and the fact that these things are it. They're going to have to last me into my next apartment and living situation and my next apartment after that until I become a middle-class suburban house wife (or the like). But no. Gotta use my things, ruin them or simply leave my empty things lying around for me to find instead of filling them up. I need to either live alone or with Shawn. I cannot deal.

3. Inconsiderate bitches. And by bitches I am not singling out females. Everyone. Okay, MOST everyone is an inconsiderate bitch. Blasting music and singing at 11pm or 12 am is a little inconsiderate. People around are reading and talking and have class and work to worry about and probably are trying to get to sleep. See, this is a UNIVERSITY. People here should be busy writing papers and pondering things - not playing rap music at the highest volume at 1 am. Aren't we all here for the same academic purpose?

4. Friends (who are more like former friends) taking advantage. I am the last person who ever likes to be taken advantage of. And yet, somehow, I tend to find myself often as a doormat in my life. Smiling and nodding and agreeing to things that I simply cannot do or shouldn't do. I'm busy. I have obligations (more than I can handle). I trust the people around me, the "friends" (who I now no are no longer) to treat me with respect.

5. Former friends. Sad when you make efforts, fail and then find that everyone else is going along super and no one thought to give you a ring. I've always been that person who felt like my presence (or lack thereof) never made a difference to anyone. Like no one would notice or care if I wasn't at a party or in a group or at a dinner. I feel like I'm back in high school and my friends left for lunch with out me. Oh wait - that happened already.

6. Leaving roomates. So my poor planning means that Shawn will probably have to live next semester with three strangers. Because all of a sudden all three of his apartmentmates are graduating early. Thanks for telling us! Thanks for allowing us to plan ahead so Shawn's not living with some scary rapists in a couple of months! AND my big idea of him living with "friends" (what friends?) has fizzled. They seem to rarely see each other or spend time with one another. So what was the point? He seems just as unhappy being here as I am.

7. Lack of help. I am being choked by obligations. I can't breathe and I don't have time to figure out how because just as I feel like I have a firm grasp on my situation something else, some other request or necessity seems to command my time. For example: I have a sample packet with my work and an opening letter put together for my recommenders. I e-mailed the professors from whom I'd like recommendations and one got back to me with a huge checklist he'd like me to complete including writing a one paragraph summary for each essay I wrote for his class AND giving him my admissions essay. The one I was going to write while my letters were being taken care of. Sorry if I didn't have time to do it during the summer when I was working 50-60 hours a week and studying for the GREs or now when I've been taking 16 credits of class and doing my classwork and working 20 hours a week. Sorry. So now I have to get those two things done by next week and my goal of having everything off my hands by mid-september is absolutely useless.

To be continued.

What?

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 16:52:02 GMT

I can't breathe. Every time I start thinking about everything. About work. About school (and classes which have way too much reading). About the GRE. About graduate school applications. About letters of recommendation. About getting everything I need (I have no dress pants. No nice shirts to wear to work). About the fact that I just started eating baby spinach and that there may be e coli in it. super. About the time I don't have to go out and be a normal college senior. When was the last time I went on a date with my boyfriend?

About the fact that I'm sick. I'm on pills that make me break out everywhere. I seem to have permanently lost my ability to balance (not a joke) and I've been falling over alot lately (also not as funny as it sounds). I'm tired all the time. I never feel awake or alert enough to do my work and so I end up at grad school websites for the umpteenth time trying to burn the due dates into my brain and figure out how to write a personal statement and if there's anything special they need from my "recommenders".

What about MY life? What about going to the movies? Or going to a club? or a bar? Or going out to dinner with Shawn? Or going up to Saratoga for a day? Or going to a concert? What about me? What ABOUT me? It just doesn't seem fair. I know that I need the job. I know I need the money. But it always feels like the one thing that's pushing me over the edge. I just don't have time. To study. To do well in classes. To be a person.

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 01:54:16 GMT

I am feeling incredibly mentally unstable.

GREs tomorrow. I'm screwed. A month of dedicated studiousness and what do I get? My score hasn't changed from the pitiful diagnostic test. Like I said, I'm screwed.

Tomorrow drinking. Lots of drinking. Till I'm so drunk that I can't remember how fucked I am and how much my life sucks. So lots of drinking.

How about that?

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 01:33:56 GMT

So. It's been a little while. Not too too long. But long enough. The summer (or lack thereof) is almost gone. I can't say that I'm sorry to see it go, but I can say that I do feel contrite. I spent all of my time working and none of my time enjoying my summer. I had all sorts of big plans. Nothing too ridiculous, just things that benefit from the nice weather and hot sun. Instead I spent my free time in Price Chopper and BJs, dragging Shawn from Linens and Things to Target. What a misuse of the summer.

And now I'm all stress. GREs in less than a week and my scores is incredibly uncertain as is my future. I'm applying to mostly reach schools, which means that I'll end up at a school that I'd rather not attend, might get discouraged, and could possibly end up teaching high school English on Long Island. But we won't go there.

Life sucks and is hard and is stressful and it would feel really nice if I kicked the GRE's ass. Like...really really nice.

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 02:35:10 GMT

I'm currently enjoying the joy that is my macbook in my living room while watching Project Runway (or P-Run for the cool kids - read the blog!)

I'm working way too much. Like I'm exhausted all the time (which may be an anemia me being sick thing) and I'm trying to re-teach myself basic math and read all of the literature which I should have been exposed to as an English major (but wasn't - thanks SUNY!) which I need to read to pass the GRE subject test. So much work, so much stress. But the computer is good.

Less than 3 weeks left at work. I can't wait until it's done and I just can't wait for every single thing to be over with. Sad as it is, I can't wait for school to start again. I can't wait for my lit classes (I'll feel extremely well read) and for (crossing my fingers for a spot) french class and for Civil Liberties.

Good times.

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 13:40:59 GMT

I got my macbook after a good fun day of having my driver's licence taken and rain. And then I got home and now it won't connect to the internet. So I've gotta get the IT guys at school to come look at it. But they aren't there until Monday. And I might have to/want to return it (shouldn't it find the internet on its own?). So I don't want to load it up with my music and my Grey's Season Deux until I know that the computer is A-OK. Except that I can't. So I basically have no new computer this weekend. Just one more big headache.

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 03:24:32 GMT

I got my Apple credit.

Macbook, here I come.

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 02:25:50 GMT

Anyone who knows me, really knows me, knows that I am two things: Obsessive and Indecicive. Those two traits have really bitten me in the ass this past week. On Monday night I decided to re-read some of the novels that I've begun to write over the last few months. I have a desktop, and I don't like to be confined to writing at my desk, so all of my work is written on looseleaf paper and kept in manila folders. As I read through the pages, I was already editing, and trying to keep in mind changes that I'd want to make. I couldn't add or change the work. Not to mention that it's damn hard to write novels on loose paper!

So I decided that it was time for me to seriously look into buying a laptop. I did research. I even went so far as to try to educate myself as to what all the specifications mean. (What does hard drive or RAM really do for me?) I decided that I'd get a Macbook. The very next day (Tuesday) I went to the apple store and asked the guy for one, and he brought the VERY LAST one from the back. I needed to get Apple credit and he told me to fill out the application online and get someone when it was finished and that they'd take care of it for me. Guess what? Since I have but one credit card less than a year old, they're still "processing my request". Almost a week later.

All I've done since Tuesday is check online to see if my status has changed. I call my house waiting to hear if we've gotten mail. And the worst part is that the Apple store keeps getting random, sporadic mini shipments of Macbooks in. And they can't keep them in the store. So it's going to be tough for me to get one as it is. When Shawn asked them when they'd have more in they told me to "get in here soon". AND I'M TRYING!

I know that it's out of my control. And I know that I'll get the credit eventually and that if I've gone this long without it than this shouldn't really be a big deal. But it is. It's so rare that I decide to do anything so...well...decisively. And I decided to make this HUGE purchase. And now I can't. So I'm sitting and stewing and questioning my decision and cursing Apple for taking so long...

That's it.

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 01:26:58 GMT

Have you ever been standing at the edge of a curb while a bus flew by and wished that you had just taken the one step that could have brought you right in front of it? Because I did today.

Life as a whole isn't too too bad. I have novels to read. I have Talbots which is full of nice nice people. I have my internship that has computers and the one person there who wants to be my friend (Mike). But I also have the crappiest feeling personal life (or lack thereof). I have no girlfriends. Where is my Kerry? my Jackie? my Michele? my Cammi? of Albany, NY?

I have no clue where Ellie is (CT? Rome?) and if she were in CT I'd be ready to hop in my car and go see her this very second. My life right now is clouded by work and no one is doing anything to make it any easier. I guess I'll be happy when I get my bank statement.

This time has passed without my knowledge...

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 23:39:25 GMT

These past few weeks have been the biggest haze of my life. All of a sudden the summer has begun and I'm in the thick of it. I haven't *really* started studying for the GRE (I'm trying to ignore the Math section of my review book), I haven't *really* finalized my list of graduate schools - though I do have a pretty solid group now (U of Washington, U of Texas, Florida State, UC Berkeley, UC Irvine, NYU, Penn State, Duke Univ., U of MD, U of Illinois, and Syracuse) and one of those has got to admit me - right? I mean I raised my GPA - hell, I may even get invited into PHS by the end of this year (better late than never!!)

I guess the point is that it's like I've been asleep for these past few weeks. I haven't spoken to anyone but Shawn or my supervisors. I havent been on Facebook or LJ or even my crazy tv message boards. I live my life in a haze. Wake up at 7 - go to work - get home from work - relax until sleep. My parents came to visit yesterday. And they're going to come again in another few weeks and my Grandmother might fly up to join them and I'm just so excited to see everyone. And next weekend I'm going up to Plattsburg with Shawn for his brother's graduation - and I get to meet his extended family (the infamous uncle Jimmy!).

I'm looking for anything to break the monotany of my life. I want events. I want life to be adventurous and I want special moments this summer. I don't want it to be a waste.

Speaking of waste, that's one word to use to describe my job. Except for the paycheck and the fucking GREAT resume building I'm getting out of this it's pretty weak. No one there is particularly friendly. I come in (when I want), sit at my desk, listen to my iPod, and do a minimal amount of work. They are ridiculously impressed by my minimum and I'm afraid that if I work to my potential that they may go on overload. OR, I'll finish their two manuals to soon and either: a) Have more work to do b) Be out of a job. But I am learning things and I am doing ::some:: work while I'm there. And I get to write. Even if it's about boring things that I'll never need to know again, technically I will be the author/editor of their procedures manual. And that's pretty damn cool.

I'm looking for a part-time job too. I thought that I had one in the bag last week and now I'm not so sure but fingers are crossed!!

Basically, right now, the summer seems like a distance that has to be crossed on the way to next year. Not a fun break and not special and not wonderful. Just there, a tedious exercise in patience and endurance.

I made a cake. It looks ugly but tastes really really good. My mom thinks I should go to a culinary school. I could be a chef. Probably not though. I love writing and reading too much. I got four novels this weekend that are now on my reading list.

Back to the regularness of my life.

Mon, 22 May 2006 21:54:51 GMT

So lots of things going on...

1. I'm terrified. I am moving into my brand spanking new on-campus apartment on Sunday and Shawn/everyone else isn't moving in until the next Saturday. I have five days of living on my own. Of course, I start work on the Thursday, so that will keep me busy. But I'll have three days where I'm just in an apartment on my own. Creepy. I don't like it so much. I miss Shawn and it sucks that he can't move in early too.

2. Shopping. Everytime I turn around I need something else. Part of it is Mommy's fault. I need a NEW comforter (even though I have a good one) and a NEW coffeemaker (even though she has two she's not using) and I guess I feel guilty spending all of this money, but if she wants to I guess it's not so bad.

3. My mom is all for me moving to Seattle. She even told me about my uncle's cousins (or someone) who live there so that I'll have contacts. Strange that she's so okay with it. But I need to explore and to have adventures. I stay in the same place, and I've never EVER been off of this coast. I need something new.

4. I miss Shawn. I'm realizing that Graduate School is going to be really hard if we're apart. and it sucks. and I love him.

That's really all...

years of my life...

Mon, 15 May 2006 16:00:49 GMT

...have been wasted. How, you may ask? Not by reading, because I love it so much that I consider that time well spent. On message boards? Well, at least I have virtual friends if I can't have real ones. In class? Yes, but not all of my classes are wasted time and that wasn't what I was talking about anyway.

I've spent years of my life (it seems) just waiting for people. And not in some huge metaphorical way, as though I've been waiting for someone to realize they love me, etc. But literally...waiting. My best friend cannot move any quicker than a snail to save her life. We're always late to class, even though I'm ready 20 minutes before we SHOULD leave (we always leave like 10 minutes later). When I make plans for lunch I sit around, find my glasses, put on my shoes, and THEN go outside only to stand and wait for another 5 minutes. I wait while people are slowly and irritatingly indecisive and I wait when I have a plan, a schedule, and things that I must do. I wait while people put off making decisions that they should have made months ago.

I just don't want to be waiting and waiting anymore. I need out of this school and maybe I do just need to be on my own for a while - to be on MY time. Seattle...here I come!

???

Sun, 14 May 2006 03:28:18 GMT

I know I rarely write in here, but sooo much stuff and stress and crap going on lately. Lots of fights and arguments with the people who mean the most to me. Trying to deal with a full time job this summer, storage, getting ready to live in an apartment all year round (no mommy!)

I'm completely done in two of my classes, one in which I know I got an A (I got a really nice e-mail from the professor). I have a 10 page paper due on Monday as well as an exam...plus a cumulative final on Thursday.

I have to move most of my things (my big things) in to storage for the week that the school kicks us out of the dorms and won't let us move in to the aparments. That's right, I get to be an "adult" and live in an apartment with my own room. It even comes with a kitchen!! The building is really beautiful and I'm excited to live somewhere new.

I start my internship on June 1st. 37.5 hours a week of writing a manual for the NYS Dept of Agriculture and Markets. I also applied for part-time jobs so that I can get extra money to pay for food and stuff. I really want to save money.

That's pretty much been all that's on my mind. Getting good grades. Storing my stuff. Living in an apartment and missing my Mommy. But I do want to go to grad school in Seattle, so I guess this is just a baby step :)

Could I BE more bored?

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 21:23:14 GMT

[A is for age]:
20

[B is for beer of choice]:
That I've tried - Rolling Rock. I'm a cheap date.

[C is for career]:
Today: High School English teacher, writer or professor

[D is for your dog's name]:
Honey

[E is for essential item you use everyday]:
Toothpaste!

[F is for favorite song at the moment]:
"Diplo Rhythm"

[G is for favorite games]:
Trivial Pursuit, Life, Scrabble - I'm a nerd

[H is for Hometown]:
Kings Park

[I is for instruments you play]:
Flute and tenor saxophone.

[J is for favorite flavor of juice:]
Apple or Orange depending on my mood

[K is for kids]:
Are annoying most of the time

[L is for last hug?:]
Shawn <3

[M is for marriage]:
When I get around to buying a Koivu (sp?) jersey for my man.

[N is for name of your crush]:
Hugh Laurie. I like 'em old.

[O is for overnight hospital stays]:
None. Yet.

[P is for phobias]:
Spiders. And the government too I think.

[Q is for quote]:

"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men. Now, women forget all those things they don’t want to remember, and remember everything they don’t want to forget. The dream is the truth. Then they act and do things accordingly."
-Zora Neale Hurston

[R is for biggest regret]:
Not taking more classes freshman year

[S is for status:]
In a Relationship

[T is for time you wake up:]
9 or 10am during the week...later on the weekend

[U is for underwear:]
Yes

[V is for vegetable you love:]
MUSHROOMS!!! not in the druggie way...I just really like mushrooms

[W is for worst habit:]
Biting my nails

[X is for x-rays you've had]:
Leg, Wrist, Nose, probably more

[Y is for yummy food you make]:
Linguine and mushrooms

[Z is for zodiac sign]:
Libra

April Fools!

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 15:47:39 GMT

Well it's April Fools Day and I woke up at like 9:30 and haven't been able to get back to sleep.

Is it wierd that I'm kind of excited to go home? To have a nice big bed and nice weather and my doggie? I still don't think I could stay there long term (like for the Summer), but...well...I do miss the dog.

I'm still wavering about my future. I was firmly set on law school. Then I went to the bookstore and found an Annotated Pride and Prejudice and I MUST have it. So, naturally, I think...well, if I love things like this so much I should just study English. Changing my future based on my desire for a big book is in no way rational. But I consider it anyway. I guess what we decided is that I need the money and the self-esteem associated with the profession of lawyer. I'm not thick-skinned enough to teach high school english. If my class(es) didn't like me, I know I'd cry. I'm a wimp and it doesn't take much.

On another note, my weight is getting to me. I've spent the last 2 or 3 weeks exercising daily and eating as healthily as I can (it is a dining hall and the food isn't wonderful) and I've only lost 5 pounds. Well, I lost 5 pounds like a week ago and I haven't lost anything since then. I keep feeling like I'm pushing myself, and really doing well...and it's not paying off, which is frustrating. I'd love to be able to wear slinky things all summer, tiny bathing suits and short skirts and small tops, and feel good about myself. Even if I'm not stick thin, I'd like to be toned. Ah well.

I cannot find a summer job/internship to save my life. I didn't think I would have as hard a time as I am. I keep telling myself that most employers aren't even looking yet, but I know that I should have found something, anything, by now.

If anyone hears of anything having to do with political science or english...you know where to find me.

Enjoy your (possibly) prank filled day!

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 05:48:19 GMT

1) What is your least favorite color? vomit green

2) What is your worst day of the week? Monday

3) What food makes you want to yack? Mayo

4) Least favorite alcohol: Vodka

5) Worst movie you've ever seen: Van Helsing. What a waste of 10 bucks

6) Biggest pet peeve: People being loud.

7) Worst music: Slayer

8) Worst actor: I dunno...Sean Penn

9) Worst actress: Claire Danes

10) Shittiest job: 1 word - Rat

11) Shittiest co-worker: Steven...what a wierdo. Who wants be a lawyer for a tobacco firm???

12) Lamest animal: Geese

13) Worst pick-up line (received or used): Are those space pants? Because your ass is outta this world!

14) Worst household chore: cleaning the bathroom

15) Shittiest historical figure: Can I say Bush II in anticipation?

16) Worst place you've been to: someplace in S.C. where we stop on the way to FL

17) A place you'd never 'be caught dead in': ummm...no place really

18) Worst TV show: The Flavor of Love

19) Most useless sport: Curling. Just...why?

20) Worst candy: Skittles

21) Worst feeling: Being disliked and alone

22) Least favorite type of clothing: Uggs

23) Least favorite body part: Feet

24) Least favorite restaurant (or fast food): Taco Bell

25) Worst month: January

26) worst fruit: ???

Home...

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 04:29:26 GMT

Wow, so I'm home again (already) and I'm (already) ready to go back. Who gets a week off for Presidents day? Apparently, UA didn't realize that Presidents day lasts, in fact, for only ONE day and decided to kick us out of the dorms for a week only three weeks in to the semester. Cool. That's FANTASTIC.

Originally, my plan was to head up to Plattsburgh to spend time with Shawn and his family. However, seeing as we had a whopping 9 days off, I realized I'd probably overstay my welcome. I also realized that I had two papers to write and that Shawn has a mac which isn't compatible with my POS Dell. So I'm here to work.

Problems...
- I cannot do work at home. I wake up at 11:30 and have breakfast, fight with my sister to get on the computer, and then spend the day looking at my TV message boards (because I have no friends with whom to talk) with my IO/Emerson open on the desk in front of me. My mom takes me to the mall and to get shoes (because I need boots) and I get a pair of pumps while my sister gets three new pairs of shoes (including the boots that I needed). I look in my sister's pig stye...ummm...room - and find a pair of pajama pants, two tops, and a sweatshirt that are all mine. She still has the Shopaholic book that my dad bought for me in August and gave to her to read quick before I got it.

- People are here. I can't concentrate when I have to fight for the computer or to get people to shut up. I want to spend time with my mom, but all she does is watch tv.

- I hate home. My father is an irritating man to be around and I really am not a good housemate for him because I reach the end of my fuse way too quickly. I miss Shawn like crazy and I'm lonely.

Long-ish post. Back to reading Emerson (I swear that I'm getting better) and talking to my love <3

God, I miss Albany.

dear GOD the drama...

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 04:28:33 GMT

Officially, here at UA, we were supposed to get our housing lottery numbers today. Those with the most credits (i.e. seniors who took LOTS of classes) get the best numbers. Those with the best numbers get in to our oh-so-wanted Apartment Complex called Empire Commons. Ellie and I need Empire. The giganic rooms we're living in now, as singles, are being turned in to doubles next year (a roomate again? helllll noooo). Basically, if we stayed in the dorms, we'd have to share a room. I'm really really not going there.

So like 2 months ago (read: 3 months before housing sign up) we asked two girls to live with us on Empire, one of whom spent the last two years trying (and failing) to sign up (it's difficult to get on unless you're a senior). She "wasn't feeling Empire", though her best friend was. We assumed that she'd be convinced. Three days ago when we found out about our singles going bye-bye, we still hadn't heard from them. I was certain that once she realized that she'd have to share a room, she'd agree. Once again, Empire wasn't being felt, and she talked about getting a regular single (the size of a refrigerator box) rather than living with Ellie and me on Empire.

Cut to me and Ellie having heart attacks and breakdowns due to a lack of roomates. We didn't want to live with new people. We're seniors, why do we have to get to know a couple of new (probably annoying) girls? We started listing girls we could think of that were nice. That was our only requirement: nice. Lo and behold, I put one of our girls names in my AIM to im later, and we head down to dinner where (drumroll?) she sees us and asks us about housing and living on Empire with she and her roomate. Fate? Maybe not. But it's damn close.

Basically we have a few people who'd like to live with us (by the way, the two girls we originally asked STILL never told us no definitively, but they've been avoiding us like the plague. They're in cahoots.) Life is so annoying sometimes. This has been our daily obsession, and it's so rough having to worry about living with random people. I wish we could just live with Shawn and AJ and be done with it but NOOOOOOooo. Buttheads.

Anyway, I'm falling farther and farther behind on my work. Bitches. This semester is not as easy as I'd hoped. Wish me luck!

(and I love Shawn.)

Bored - and decided to steal this from Erica's LJ

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 03:52:49 GMT

1. Initials:
SMK

2. Name someone with the same birthday as you.
Sting and Ghandi. ANNND Mel :)

3. Favorite fruit?
Boring - Apple all the way

4. For or against same sex marriage?
For

5. Are you allergic to anything?
Penicillin

6. Are you bisexual?
Nope

7. Have you ever slept in someone elses clothes?
Indeed

8. How many U.S states have you been to?
14 - all down the east coast (nothing interesting)

9. How many of the U.S states have you lived in?
NY

10. Have you ever lived outside the U.S?
Not yet

11. Name something physical you like about yourself.
The color of my eyes.

12. Something non-physical you like about yourself?
I can make friends with relative ease

13. Do you have any pets?
Honey bear

14. What is your dream car?
BMW X5

15. If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?
Wow. Lately I've really been wanting to go to Ireland (with Shawn)

16. Are you bipolar?
No, I don't think so

17. What dream car do you want your husband/wife to drive?
Well, Shawn wants a BMW so I want that for him

18. Where would you want to go on a first date?
Out to dinner, and then maybe take a walk by moonlight. Old fashioned much?

19. Would you date the person who posted this before you?
I love Erica, but I don't swing that way ;-)

20. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
I think I made Shawn sing me a Backstreet Boys song once?

21. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Not that I can remember

22. Do you like president Bush?
Hellll no

23. Have you ever bungee jumped?
Maybe one day

24. Have you ever white water rafted?
Not yet

25. Has someone 10 yrs older than you, evr hit on you?
No...Jerry was like 8 or 9 years older though

26. Are you racist?
Absolutely not.

27. What song are you listening to right now?
None

28. What's your favorite song at the moment?
I don't know...not gonna lie but I really like Kelly Clarkson

29. What was the last movie you watched?
The Mirror has Two Faces. Yes, an old person Barbara Streisand movie. And I love it. So there.

30. Where was the last place you went besides your house?
Eckerd

31. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
Nope, I don't think so

32. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
Does my sister count?

33. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Smile

34. What's ur fav. body part on the opposite sex?
BACKKKKK

35. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
A light Mocha frap

36. Say something totally random about yourself.
I hate wearing pants. I think they're very restrictive.

37. Do you have an iPod?
My little pink Kate Winslet (yes, I named it.)

38. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Not that I can recall

39. Do you have freckles?
Nope

40. Are you comfortable with your height?
You know what, I LIKE being short!

41. Do you love someone right now?
With all my heart.

42. How tall are you?
5'3"

43. Do you speak any other language other than english?
Sort of French, but I'm going to re-learn (as I must to get a PhD in English)

44. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Indeed

45. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
No, not really

46. Do you watch MTV?
Occasionally

48. What's something that really annoys you?
When people hover.

50. Do you like Michael Jackson?
Ew. No.

51. Have you ever surfed?
No, but I really really want to.

52. Do you know how to pump gas?
Indeed. And I like doing it myself.

53. Do you drive?
All over.

54. What's the latest you have ever stayed out?
7am?

55. Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die?
Yes, many times

56. Were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
Nope

57. Have you ever been dared to do something you didn't want to do?
Of course

58. What's your favorite state to live in?
Delaware, Maryland or Virginia

59. What color is your hair?
Blonddeee

60. What color are your eyes?
Blue

61. Do you have any special talents?
Nope

62. Favorite non-alcoholic drink?
Raspberry tea/iced tea

63. Favorite city?
NY first and foremost, but Boston comes close

64. Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull?
Not yet

65. If you were working on a pirate ship, what would you most likley be?
Captain Jack Sparrow

66. Who do you live with?
Shawn is where home is.

67. Last thing you watched on TV?
CSI Miami (Yawn!!)

68. Do you wear glasses or contacts?
Glasses always

69. Have you ever taken a road trip?
Hello Florida! I think I'll drive to you!

Random, but I felt it was necessary. I'm alone here for the next four or five days until I get back and spend my weekend reacquainting myself with Shawn.

My goal is to get to page thirty of my book before I leave. I'm kinda proud that I'm doing this. Creating my own story, my own world in which others can get lost in the idea of fantasy and true love. I love my books so much and hopefully that kind of shows through what I'm writing. I know that Ellie's going to read what I've written when I get back, but I'm still really really nervous. I'm afraid it will turn out to be a 100 page novella instead of a 250+ page novel. But I suppose I need to stop worrying and write my story.

I love my parents. But I'm ready to go home. I wake up at 10 am. I have breakfast and yell at the dog to stop humping pillows on the couch. I sit in the living room and read a romance novel. I finish at around 12:30 or 1pm. I shower. I sit and wait for my sister to call so I can pick her up from school. I come back, make a sandwich. I talk to Shawn until General Hospital. I spend the rest of the afternoon watching television. I work on my book until and after dinner.

That's my life until Friday. Three more days like this, a day of shopping and then home.

Just another lazy day...

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 14:51:00 GMT

Back from FL, which sucked. I'm really not much for my family anymore. Well, this family anyway. I've outgrown them, I think. Apartment next year sounds like a nice solution.

Spending most of my days reading and re-reading romance novels. I've written the openings to three, and I'm working on making some real headway on the third so that when we get back Ellie can read it and see if it sounds like a REAL romance novel. Since I'm not working over break, it helps me feel productive and it's something that I really love to do. It gives me something to obsess over. I can't sleep, and so I think of new stories and new plots, so that I'll end up with five beginnings instead of one complete novel. I need a bigger attention span. Once I figure out the ending of a book, I grow bored with it and try to come up with a new plot. Wrong, I know, and I'm trying to break that habit during the next two and a half weeks.

I'm spending a whole big chunk of my days missing Shawn. In the days preceeding break I was feeling a litte claustrophobic. I forgot just how hard it is to be away from him and just how much I miss him. I thought this time would be different, and that I'd be strong and not go crazy. Turns out I was wrong. I hate that we're forced to be apart because of ResLife's bitch ass calendar. Point two for apartment next year. We'll spend a week or two visiting one another's families and get to return to a common ground and spend our time together. I know he hates phones, and he still calls me and talks to me for like two hours every day. Even when we don't really have anything to talk about. He tries so hard to make this easier, and even though he think's he has it worse - I DEFINITELY TIMES ONE MILLION miss him more. BUT the promise of a date on Saturday night helps to sweeten getting to see him when we get back.

Longer than I intended...but it sums up my life until January 21st.

Papers, and Tests, and Leaving...Oh My!

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 04:17:08 GMT

Feeling wayyyy overwhelmed and overworked. I haven't gotten a break and my brain is going on overtime. Two papers due on Wednesday (total of 27 pages - i've written 26 so tough luck). Test next Tuesday; I have a pretty solid A in the class, I basically need like a 75 on the final to walk away with it. I'm gonna study hard anyway though. I had a 98 on the midterm and I'm not gonna mess with it.

I've been working solidly since Friday. Writing the papers and editing the papers. Ellie's mom came to visit on Sunday and took us to Red Lobster -- Delicious!!! I love Ellie's family and I had such a good time with them :)

I'm exhausted. The editing isn't taking too long, but I've been working hard and analyzing and writing and my brain is just pooped.

Shawn is leaving Sunday. Less than a week and it still doesn't feel like we won't be together over break. It just isn't practical for either of us to travel 14 hours total and spend tons of money for a few days of visiting just before we get back. I wish I could bring him to Florida with us. Going to visit my grandparents will be a good time (Me + Romance Novels next to the pool ALL WEEK!!) but I'm not particularly excited about spending hours and hours in the car to get there.

Hopefully break will move along quick so I can get back to my boy (who I hope has a really really good masculine and fun-filled break - it's a lot of stress spending all of his time with two sensitive girls)

I love Shawn. I hate work. Stupid Finals/Break.

That's really all.

P.S. CONGRATS AND GOOD LUCK MEL!!! LET ME KNOW HOW THE *REAL WORLD* IS!

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 20:18:51 GMT

Alot going on in my head lately, and tons to process. I'm having a hard time finding my niche. I LOOOOOVE LOOOOOVE LOOOOOVE Project SHAPE. The sexuality education thing is really my forte. I'd love to become a sexuality educator and it's a topic that I'm really passionate about.

However, I love writing. I love my expository writing class (I like writing what I want with as few boundaries as possible) and I love writting things that are powerful and technically perfect (Grammar Police and Nerd Alert).

My third problem is my ideas for Public Health. Stemming from my love of all things sexuality, I've been researching and getting interested in Public Health. Right now, my key idea is to get internships and try to figure out where I want to go and what I want to do. Because it's becoming a big problem.

Today I was raving about how my professor raved about my latest papers. My mother actually said, "you love this. Why are you questioning it?" Mrs.Anti-English-Major was trying to get me to drop everything and go into the precise and money making field of English. I love writing. But there's no graduate program that will truly focus on writing. They'll make me read books and analyze them and learn theories. It sucks, and it's not the type of person that I'd want to be. If anyone I'd rather be like Professor Berman, and spend my classes analyzing students' essays technically and my days writing novels (as I've started two already, and one is really getting going).

So for now I'll research these areas until my face turns blue. Tune in for my next edition: I'll want to be a Kindergarten teacher or something.

Notes

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 05:29:20 GMT

Random happenings (I like my bullet points)

-This friday at 8:15am I was supposed to do a CWAP program in a freshman class for Project SHAPE (Sexual Health and Peer Education). CWAP is a program that uses skits (ridiculous ones) to get across the importance of using a condom. I was crazy nervous about doing the skits, when I get this email from Carol (the director) saying that she was supposed to do an STI class for the same group of kids this morning, and someone in the class passed out and had to be taken to the hospital. That's not the good news. The good news is that instead of having to do skits, I get to work with a group of people on a STI class (basically going over Chlamydia and stuff with the kids)

-I really really really really really want the Sex and the City gift box. I spend at least a few minutes each day wishing that there was a Sex and the City channel. When nothing else can be found on TV, then it's SatC or Roswell that I want. By January, mark my words, I WILL have my Sex and the City

-HUGH LAURIE IS IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST MEN ALIVE ISSUE!!! Oh Dr.House, How I love you. I digress...

-Harry Potter at 9pm on Friday. Whatup. Tickets bought, and plans made for shopping beforehand. SOOOOOO getting there at least an hour in advance. But I'll have my people magazine with Hugh Laurie to keep me busy :-D. Honestly I really wanted/planned to see HP4 at midnight on Thursday. But, as I mentionned before, I have an 8:15am SHAPE program. Sucks, but Friday will be PHENOMENAL!

-I've been re-reading tons of my romance novels and remembering just how amazing they are. (Specifically *Saving Grace* by Julie Garwood <- I highly recommend) I'm amazed at the extra time I have (which I've been using for sleep lately) and I know it wont last too much longer. My only Joy is that I'll be able to read and re-read everything again during my relaxing and non-productive winter break. Go NO-WORK!

-My schedule is suspiciously organized and manageable. I feel like I'm not working enough on final papers for Soc, political science, judaic studies. But I'm scheduled.

::PHEW::